Wheel of Fortune-- Special Show on Head/Neck Cancer

Fade out of cheesy music from "Wheel of Fortune Theme".  Zoom to Pat Sejack on Stage right.

Pat:
Welcome to those of you at home for this special edition of "Wheel of Fortune," coming to you from Emory University Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia.  Today we also have a special studio audience of Doctors from the hospital's Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery Department with us. Can those of you at home say "Max-il-lo-facial?" No, of course you can't--but these doctors can.

On today's show we are going to have only one contestant.  He is a 62-year old professor at Georgia State University, right here in Atlanta, who is a 6-year survivor of Head/Neck cancer.  Let's give a big "Wheel" welcome to Mike Metzler...

 

Before we get back to Mike, let me take this time to introduce my co-host, the lovely and ageless Vanna White:

OK--back to Mike.  Tell us a bit about how you got here today.

Mike:
Well, Pat, it turns out I was chosen for this Special Edition of "Wheel"  because of my long history of having Shitty Fucking Luck, first by being diagnosed with a rare type of cancer in 2009, and then for checking off every one of the Top Ten Side Effects a person can get from my treatments--chemotherapy and radiotherapy--also known as "The gifts that keep on giving."  I have seen over 60 doctors, have been subjected to 50 hyperbaric oxygen treatments, have been in and out of the emergency room more times that I can count, have had several esophageal dilations, had double cataract surgery, and a year ago had a full mandibular free flap resection where they cut out my left jaw and grafted in the fibula from my left leg.

Pat:
Is that why you talk with a limp?

Mike:
Yeth.

Pat:
Well, that really sucks and all...but doesn't Vanna look good today!

Mike, we have a special "Wheel" just for you today.  All you have to do today is solve the Wheel Puzzle on your own.  If you do, you can then spin the wheel to find out just what new kind of SFL is in your future. Are you ready?

Mike:
Yeth.

Pat:
OK, Vanna, show him the Puzzle.

OK, Mike.  As you know you can try to solve the puzzle right away, or you can have your insurance company pay $25,000 for each letter you want to see first.

Mike:
I'm ready to solve the Puzzle.

Pat:
Are you sure?  This looks like a hard one to me.

Mike:
I got this, you twit. Osteo-radio-necrosis.

Pat:
Huh?  WTF is that?

Mike:
It's when your bones don't get enough blood supply.  Over time they die and bone shards start to come out through your skin.  My ORN was in my mouth.

Pat:
OK, Vanna, let's see if Mike is right.

Goddamn, he's right!

Mike:
This is a result of my radiation treatments in 2009.  Since then my left jaw bone has been dying.  that's why I had the free flap fibula replacement in 2014 and why I need more surgery coming up.  I have a hole in my mouth that leaks out of the bottom of my chin.  If you want to know what I just ate, just look at what's running down the front of my neck.

Pat:
Well, that's pretty gross and all...but doesn't Vanna look great today?

Mike, today, we have two very special members of our studio audience who are going to spin the wheel for you  so you can find out just what that next surgery will be.  Let's give a big "Wheel" welcome to Doctors Steven Roser and Thad Wadsworth of the Emory Maxillofacial surgery department.  We know that you and your wife Terry have had many visits with these doctors in recent months. They have looked over all of the scans taken of your head and neck area, so they are the best ones to spin the wheel and make this decision for you.

First, let me explain the options they put on your very own Wheel of Head/Neck Cancer Fortune (Click to enlarge):

You could do nothing, and keep leaking your food out of the bottom of your mouth and down your neck.

You could have a debridement, where they scrape out any dead bone they find and hope that works.

You could have them patch you with caulk and duct tape.  That might work, but your insurance won't pay for it.

You could have a radial free flap, where they take bone, skin and muscle from your arm to plug the gap and stop the leaking.

You could have a pectoral free flap.  The same as the radial free flap, just no bones would be taken. They would put in a titanium plate to bridge the native chin with the new chin bone.

You could have a partial fibula free flap, where they take about 2 inches out of your right jaw and graft a part of your right fibula into that spot.

Or, you could have a full free fibula flap resection on the right side.  The same thing you had last May, but a mirror image.

Mike:
Pat, one option is not there...

Pat:
Huh?

Mike:
The one where I get to go back to my life before cancer.

Pat:
You poor delusional bastard.  That ain't never gonna happen...but doesn't Vanna look good?

Good one, Mike.  Now, Doctors, please spin the wheel so Mike can see what's in store for him next in Cancer World.

The doctors give the Wheel a mighty spin.  Mike notices that both of them have their fingers crossed--not a good sign.

Pat:
Wow, this is exciting, isn't it, Mike?

Mike:
(Fuck you, Pat)

Pat (as the Wheel shows down):
Oooh, you just missed that debridement and the pectoral flap with a titanium plate bridge.  It's slowing down...down...down...heading towards a partial fibula flap--but it goes one tick past that to---

A RADIAL FREE FLAP!

Mike:
GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGSONOFAFUCKINGBITCH!

Pat:
I thought you'd be overjoyed, so let me tell you what goes with that prize...
8-10 hours in your favorite operating room at Emory Midtown
5-7 days in the hospital
2-3 weeks of recovery at home (where you'll miss teaching summer classes)

And, there is an extra special prize with this surgery...you get another tracheotomy!

Mike (to doctors):
Can I have another spin...maybe the best two out of three?

Roser and Wadsworth:
Nope.  Our schedulers will get back to you about the date.  Eat every kind of food you can now, because you'll be on a strict liquid diet for a long time after this procedure.  Oh, by the way, there is a small chance we'll have to do the partial fibula flap resection--look at how close it was on the Wheel.  We won't know for sure until you are on the table.

Mike:
Will I be able to run the Peachtree on July 4th?

Roser:
Good question.  If you wake up from the procedure and your left wrist is bandaged, that will be a good sign--we could stay with the radial free flap. You'll at least be able to walk the Peachtree.  If you wake up and your right leg is bandaged--that means we had to use your right fibula...and you got no chance at the Peachtree.  Basically, you'll get a replay of the last year of your life in Cancer World.

Pat:
Well, that concludes this Special Edition of "Wheel of Fortune."  Stay tuned for more updates on how Mike and Terry fare during and after the coming procedure.